Stephanie Anderson Ladd, LMFT, LPC

On Marriage
Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

The keys to a successful relationship are based on the concept poetically described by Kahlil Gibran that when we enter into partnership or marriage as whole individuals–as adults who can take care of themselves–we are each responsible for our own path and we are each responsible for our own happiness.

The relationship path is separate from our individual path, and we don’t give up our individual path because we enter into relationship. It’s important to continue walking our own path and to also walk the path of relationship out of choice, not obligation. The path of relationship is created together, as equals.

That doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes step off our path to help our partner or sacrifice some things we like to do to be with our partner as long as we do so out of love, by choice, and without resentment. It also doesn’t mean we give up our path for the sake of the other. We agree that we each need to have our own path regarding work, career, hobby, past times, interests, childcare, friends, as long as we are respectful of the agreements we have made with respect to our marriage.

When we walk on the path of relationship together we do so out of choice, knowing we are not abandoning our individual paths. Our individual paths are of our own making and are important to our sense of well-being and wholeness. Determining our individual path is up to each of us. Neither partner has the right to define the other’s path or take the other off their path to meet his or her needs. We at all times endeavor to support and respect each other’s path.

10 agreements for a healthy, happy relationship:

1. I have chosen to be in a relationship with a partner for which there is mutual respect and equality. I agree that no one is “the boss,” and that we will agree on how to live together and will communicate and negotiate our differences. I will at all times endeavor to accept, honor, and respect those differences even when I don’t see eye to eye with my partner.

2. I am responsible for my own thoughts, feelings and actions. I cannot make my partner feel or behave a certain way and my partner is not responsible for my feelings or actions. I don’t get to blame my partner for my feelings or my choices. I can only take responsibility for me and I can only change my behavior.

3. I am responsible for communicating openly and honestly with my partner. I have the right to express my feelings in a way that doesn’t demean, diminish or destroy. I will use good communication skills, including using “I statements” to express my feelings without expectation that my partner do anything other than listen, acknowledge, and accept them.

4. I accept my partner’s feelings. There are no “bad” or “wrong” feelings. I have the right to my feelings and my partner has the right to his or hers (as do our children have the right to all of their feelings). I will not tell my partner what he/she should feel; nor will I negate, belittle, or disrespect his/her feelings. I do not need to correct, take care of, or fix my partner’s feelings. I will take my partner’s feelings into consideration and attempt to do what I can to improve my own behavior.

5. I have the right to ask my partner to do something for me or to help me, but I don’t have the right to expect or demand it. I ask, using words like, “Would you? Could you? and Please…” My partner has the right to say no. If my partner cannot help me when I ask, it is my responsibility as an able, independent adult to take care of myself and to meet my own needs or to seek help elsewhere. If my partner asks me for something and I can’t give it at that time, I may offer a time when I can, and I’m good to my word. I don’t expect my partner to meet all of my needs or desires.

6. I am with my partner out of choice, want and desire, not need. I do not need nor do I expect my partner to prop me up, make me feel good about myself, take care of me like a parent would a child, make me whole, or otherwise be responsible for me and my well-being. I am responsible for loving and taking care of myself as part of my own path. As part of our relationship path, we may agree to a division of labor that includes one person working and providing income while the other is the primary childcare provider; this does not change the equality of the relationship.

7. I refrain from telling my partner what he/she “should” do. I attempt to eliminate the word “should” from my vocabulary as it conveys an expectation and a judgment that I, as an equal partner, do not have the right to project onto another adult. I can express my feelings, tell my partner what I would do if asked, or say what I would like, without expectation that they will do what I want.

8. I agree to make my partner and my children a priority over the needs of parents, friends, family members, or others who might want or demand my time and energy. I will help others and give my time and energy to others out of choice, not out of obligation or by demand, and, as my partner and I agree is in the best interest of our relationship and our children. I will share my feelings with my partner about family members and endeavor not to sit in judgment of them, and to do my best to get along with them (even if I don’t agree with them or like them).

9. I have the right to disagree with my partner, to say no to my partner, and to choose my own path. However, I will at all times endeavor to work with my partner to resolve conflict, come to a resolution, or reach a compromise. In doing so, I will not hold onto the past and hold grudges. Once a conflict is resolved or we agree to disagree, we will let it go and move on unless the conflict becomes a destructive pattern, in which case we will seek help.

10. I agree to honor and respect my partner’s path as long as it doesn’t step outside of the bounds of what we agree we want for our partnership or marriage. I have the right to leave or end the partnership if there is: adultery, addiction or abuse and my partner is not willing to seek help, change the destructive pattern, and make amends.

Having taught and counseled parents for some time, I have noticed that parents ask more questions about discipline than anything else. They want to know what’s too much; what’s not enough.

If you are a parent at one extreme or the other — either too strict and over-controlling or too permissive and unable to set limits, bear in mind that you could be setting up a variety of problems for your child which may continue into adulthood.

The answer, as you might expect, lies somewhere in between these two extremes.  Parents need to find a balance. Children need a few limits, but not so many that they are constricted and kept from learning from their mistakes.

Why do we discipline? To give guidance and to help our children learn responsibility. Children learn naturally from experience if we allow them to have a natural consequence.

Here are a few basic dos and don’ts:

• Don’t discipline in anger.

If you lose control you appear weak to the child. It may be important to look at your own anger and determine if you are trying to get even for your own childhood and how you were parented (you may need to deal with your anger issues first).

• Do set a few limits (3 or 4) that should change as your child matures.

A computer may be off limits for a 2-year-old but not a 4-year-old. A teenager gets freedom equal to the amount of responsibility she exhibits.

• Don’t hit, yell at, name-call, shame, or otherwise demean your children when they misbehave. Give them a “natural” consequence for their behavior or one  that is logical and naturally follows the infraction.

A natural consequence for pushing another child is not being able to play with that child until he uses words instead of hurting and amends are made. If the behavior is repeated, the child learns no one wants to play with him; and his parent won’t let him play with friends until he’s “safe.” A natural consequence for not doing homework because the time was spent watching tv, would be no tv until homework is done.

• Do set a good example by modeling the kind of behavior you expect of your children.

Hitting your children teaches them that it’s okay to hit and that violence is a way to

solve problems. Do you clean up your own messes? Do you admit when you are wrong? You can’t expect your child to do as you say but not as you do.

• Don’t set limits without following through with consequences.

Repeated warnings only tell your child you don’t mean what you say. Weak or inconsistent limits with no consequences create a mean, inconsiderate, angry child who continually pushes the envelope. This child will grow up to be narcissistic, demeaning and arrogant.

• Do let your children know what you expect and set limits without guilt.

Children understand fair rules and reasonable expectations and need limits. Explanations and communication are used only when necessary. Unnecessary explanations and lecturing imply you don’t recognize your child’s ability to figure things out and learn from her mistakes. (You need never say, “I told you so.”)

Do get help if what you’re doing isn’t working.  Children are mirrors. Your child’s behavior is feedback about how you’re parenting. Parenting is a learning process — for both children and parents.

These are past questions and answers that appeared in a column I wrote called “Family Matters” for a local California newspaper.

Dear Stephanie:

I just found out that my 14 year old daughter has been drinking after school.

I work and don’t get home until 7:30. She’s been a good kid so far and she’s shy,

but this has me worried.

Answer:  There is cause for concern that your daughter is drinking alcohol at such a young age. You didn’t indicate what you have said or done regarding her drinking, but you need to make sure she has stopped and has no access to alcohol. This may require supervision by you or another adult when she gets home from school. You probably know underage drinking is against the law, and you could be held legally responsible for providing alcohol to a minor if she’s getting it from your home or charged with child neglect if she’s obtaining it and drinking it while you’re not at home.

The most important thing is to find out why she’s been drinking. It’s very likely that her drinking is a cry for help. There are a number of questions that come up: Is she drinking alone or with friends? Is she drinking as an escape from her feelings? Has something happened to her that has caused her to drink to try and hide or numb her feelings? Is she using alcohol as a way to feel courageous and less shy? Is she trying to let you know she needs you or someone else to be there for her when she returns home from school? Depending on how serious a problem the drinking has become, she may benefit from inpatient rehabilitation or a 12-step group for teens. Your involvement in understanding her feelings and getting her help will be crucial.

Dear Stephanie:

My son is in second grade and he’s having a hard time. He says he doesn’t like

the teacher and she doesn’t like him. What should I do?

It’s not uncommon for kids to have problems with a teacher or to dislike a teacher at some point in their school life. It’s important to understand why your son doesn’t like his teacher and why he believes she doesn’t like him. Sometimes kids have faulty perceptions and jump to conclusions and sometimes kids are able to read a situation correctly.

You might start by talking to him about all his reasons for thinking she doesn’t like him so you understand his perceptions and then discuss all the reasons his teacher may have acted or responded in the way that she did. It’s always important for children to learn their part and what they can do to change. If it seems like he’s not following the rules or expectations of his teacher, then you will have to work with him to understand the importance of doing so. It may be helpful for you to observe him in the classroom and talk to the teacher about her observances as well as his concerns. You and his teacher may be able to plan together what you can do to help him have a better experience.

Dear Stephanie:

My son is terrified of spiders. He gets frantic when he sees crawling things.

He is three. His father keeps telling him to be a man. Is this ok?

While I’m sure your husband wants to help your son grow up to be a good man, telling him to be a man at age 3 won’t do as much good as helping him through his fears. Perhaps you could talk to your husband about any fears he remembers having as a boy and what helped him overcome them. Everyone has fears whether they admit them or not. Your little boy needs help in facing his fears, and not shamed for having them. In this way he will learn to feel safe with his feelings and thus be willing to take appropriate risks in life.

It might help to talk to your son about spiders and insects and their purpose as well as to read him books and stories about insects so that his fear may eventually be replaced with curiosity and interest. At the same time, he can learn that there are some spiders and insects to be avoided and some he can touch. There are also toys that allow children to capture and look at bugs through a magnifying glass.  It may take time for your son to overcome his fears, but with patience, understanding and guidance from you and his father, he will gain a sense of security and confidence.